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How to kill your relationship

Love isn’t always a box of chocolates. It’s quite normal for couples to fight. It’s how they fight that can truly doom their relationship.

It’s all in the story

The author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, has been a marriage researcher and counsellor for over 40 years.

Gottman is famous for being able to listen to a couple for five minutes and then knowing, with over 90 per cent certainty, whether their relationship will survive. He does this by asking them to tell their story.

‘Either they emphasise their good times and make light of the rough spots, or they accentuate their failures and not their successes. Likewise, they either underscore their partner’s positive traits in favour of their more annoying characteristics (cherishing), or they do the opposite (trashing),’ as Gottman’s technique is described in ‘The underrated skill that can benefit every area of your life’.

Couples who cherish each other are better able to deal with each other’s more trash-able aspects.

They have found ways to cope and not waste time and energy on something that will never be resolved. And such an approach results in better health, happiness, and sex.

The Four Horsemen

Gottman has also identified ‘Four Horsemen’ – ways of fighting – that spell relationship apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, according to ‘What are the four things that kill relationships?

I will explain these approaches by speaking directly to you, dear reader.

Dear reader, the reason you will click away from this column is not because you are tired or distracted by more pressing matters. No. The reason you will click away is because of a fundamental flaw in your personality. You are simply a bad person. (Criticism)

In fact, you are a loser. A mindless shit with your head firmly wedged up your own ass. And that’s not the only reason why you disgust me. (Contempt)

But hey, your problems are your problems. There’s nothing to be done about them without you recognizing them. You’re just blind to the truth. (Defensiveness)

Anyway, dear reader, it’s time to ignore you and walk away. As an emotional vampire sucking all the good bits out of my soul, you are simply not worth my attention. (Stonewalling)

You nag, I withdraw

Okay, I’m back!

Not just because I could have chosen to illustrate the Four Horsemen in a more diplomatic way. For example, I could have used one of Gottman’s suggested techniques: using the word ‘I’ instead of ‘YOU’ so I would come across as less aggressive.

But also because, stonewalling – retreating to avoid conflict – turns out to be the most destructive of the Four Horsemen, according to ‘Why the way you fight can threaten your relationship’.

‘The silent treatment is akin to the ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern many researchers have identified, in which one partner nags or confronts, and the other pulls away. A review of 74 studies that included more than 14,000 participants suggests that the demand-withdraw pattern is one of the most damaging types of conflict – and a major predictor of divorce.’

So it seems that fighting is not only destructive, but it can also be a sign that a couple still cares.

Don’t get ‘hangry’, get a Cadbury

Perhaps Gottman is just making things overly-complicated. Especially if we are to believe ‘Lashing out at your spouse? Check your blood sugar’.

According to a recent study, people with low blood sugar are more likely to stick more pins into a voodoo doll representing their partner – even when they are essentially satisfied in their relationship.

Hence the slang: ‘hangry’ (hungry + angry).

So perhaps the best way to maintain relationship harmony is to just share a Cadbury, hit the bedroom and make sweet, sweet love.
 

How do you deal with conflict in your relationship? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Love Matters Naija and Love Matters Kenya.

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Recent Comments (94)

  1. am now 30years i got maried
    am now 30years i got maried 6years back, we have been blessed with two kids, my marringe has been wonderfull athough we had so many challeges ,now it has come a time that my wife wants to go apart each is own way ; she has left our kids to my parents end gone to seak for job . please give me an advice

    1. Hi Nicholas,

      Hi Nicholas,
      have you talked to her about this? Do you think the two of you together could find a solution to make this work again? It’s great that she wants to be independent, but maybe you can still find a way to make your relationship work, together. Good luck!

    2. EVERY THING PUT IT 2 GOD
      EVERY THING PUT IT 2 GOD

  2. How can i make a relationship
    How can i make a relationship work ad live happy?

  3. My boyfriend whom we are
    My boyfriend whom we are almost marrying, 6yrs r/ship, has pregnanted another girl and abort for her so that i can not know bt i cam to know through that girl who insults mi n tel mi whats going on. He clain to lov mi stil, should we continue???

    1. Hi Lizzer,

      Hi Lizzer,
      so sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. We really can’t tell you what to do. You need to decide that for yourself. Think about what you want. Do you think you can trust him again? Can you forgive him? I also suggest you sit down with him and talk about what happened, and how he sees your future together. Don’t take it lightly and do take your time before you make a decision.

  4. my r/ship has problem my
    my r/ship has problem my girlf told me after nine months of being happly together and said her heart belongs to someone else and she is not gonna marry me. but she stile do love or may be i wil get a chance of marrying her. am total confused ans i dont know what to do.

    1. Hi Alex,

      Hi Alex,
      I’m sorry to say that, but if she told you her heart belongs to someone else and she is going to marry him, chances that she is going to come back to you are very low.

  5. Okay first we try to solve it
    Okay first we try to solve it we talk and if there’s no solution then we involve sex while lying in bed we eventually do find the solution

    1. Hey there,

      Hey there,
      wow, that’s an interesting approach. Glad to hear this is working for you.

  6. I have phobia for
    I have phobia for relationships. I have never been in one. I want to but something pulls me back. I really don’t understand self.

    1. Hi Etuku,

      Hi Etuku,
      are you afraid of something? Don’t push yourself, it’s okay to not be in a relationship. But maybe you can start really slowly. Become friends with someone you like, and then slowly see if it develops into something else?

  7. I’m n a relationshp bt,i jst
    I’m n a relationshp bt,i jst wnt 2 gt rid f t and concentrate on my studies

    1. Hi Grace,

      Hi Grace,
      you need to discuss this with your partner. If that’s your final decision, fair enough, but you need to make sure your partner understands where you are coming from.

  8. Love matter

    Love matter
    My boyfriend whom we are almost marrying, 7yrs r/ship has deserted to call de r/ship over. His reason is, dere is not support from both parent.but he is going out wit a lady now. Please give me an advice because I am going through a difficult time now & I stil love he.

    1. Hi there,

      Hi there,
      so sorry to hear this is what you are going through. I can’t imagine how hurt you are. It sounds a bit like he was trying to find an excuse to get out, what do you think?

  9. What happed to nicholas
    What happed to nicholas yesterday @13:50 is the same to me! “?” Can i do, please help.

  10. Hi..I am engaged to a man
    Hi..I am engaged to a man 12yrs my age and we live 2continents apart.everytime we talk about serious issues he talks to me with a very bad tone and later refuses to apologise. I most of the time shut up and listen to him and it makes me upset that he doesn’t understand me because he never listens to me and doesn’t give me time to talk or give my opinion.am getting fed up and want to call this Engagement off.how do i deal with this because i love him so much

    1. Hi there,

      Hi there,
      so sorry to hear he is treating you this way. It hurts, doesn’t it? So it’s understandable you want to call off the engagement. But I suggest you try to talk to him one last time before doing so. give him one more chance to see that he is wrong and hurting you. Does that make sense?

  11. What can hapen when 1 had sex
    What can hapen when 1 had sex den he throw condom in de toilet.Asist me

    1. Hi David,

      Hi David,
      the toilet can clog. Other than that, nothing.

  12. My relationship has been stop
    My relationship has been stop for almst 1 year what can i do to make it active again?

    1. Hi Nonso,

      Hi Nonso,
      have you tried to talk to your (ex-)partner about this? Why do you think your relationship stopped a year ago? I assume you had differences- do you think you can work to get over them?

  13. my wife didnt want to talk
    my wife didnt want to talk with me since i left home to work it is now approaching end month without picking call instead she switch off his phone advice pliz

    1. Hi Shaddy,

      Hi Shaddy,
      you need to find a way to get in touch with her and talk about this. If you are in a marriage, you need to communicate well, and she isn’t doing that. You need to learn how to avoid this in the future.

  14. my wife didnt want to talk
    my wife didnt want to talk with me since i left home to work it is now approaching end month without picking call instead she switch off his phone advice pliz

  15. I m aguy of 28 yrs i bumped
    I m aguy of 28 yrs i bumped to a lady who was just a down we promised each other alot of things but al of a suden she changed am now demoralised advice me coz am confused.

    1. Hi there,

      Hi there,
      have you talked to her about this? Only she can tell you what has been going on. Approach her and ask for a clarifying talk. She owes you that much!

  16. hyz. Am sory 4 dat a humble
    hyz. Am sory 4 dat a humble ad respecting man kams frm GOD so take evrythng to HIM ad all shall b well with ua rshp

    1. Thanks for your comment!
      Thanks for your comment!

    1. Distance relationships can be
      Distance relationships can be hard. When a partner moves to another place for an extended period of time it can put a lot of stress on the relationship. One person is off doing new experiences and the other is at home missing the person having to figured out life without the other. 

      Both are going out and doing their own actives, hanging out with other people and it can make finding the time to talk hard. Many people get jealous because they do not always know what the other person is doing or seeing while they are apart.

      You have to find a way that works for both of you! And make sure that you communicate a lot, that’s the key to knowing what’s going on in your partner’s life.

  17. im sorry that lack of
    im sorry that lack of cofidence

  18. Hea, it is possible to
    Hea, it is possible to approch a guy coz their is one somewhere, the moment i saw him i get confused. I really need him and i fear express my feeling to him?

    1. Hi Liz,

      Hi Liz,
      Don’t fear it, if that’s what you want, go for it! Good luck!

  19. does a Guy love you if he
    does a Guy love you if he doesn’t have photos n messages of you on his phone in a long distance n long term relationship?

    1. Hi Stella,

      Hi Stella,
      I don’t thing that’s a factor to determine love, no. Things like pictures are far less important for men than they are for women.
      Do you have any other reasons to think that he doesn’t love you?

  20. I’m in adistance r/ship bt it
    I’m in adistance r/ship bt it has been in problem always,evrytyme i call him night hrs he either switch off her phone or ignore,plz advice coz am really affected

    1. Hi Lynn,

      Hi Lynn,
      Distance relationships can be hard. When a partner moves to another place for an extended period of time it can put a lot of stress on the relationship. One person is off doing new experiences and the other is at home missing the person having to figured out life without the other. 

      Both are going out and doing their own actives, hanging out with other people and it can make finding the time to talk hard. Many people get jealous because they do not always know what the other person is doing or seeing while they are apart.

      If your partner isn’t calling you it can be for a variety of reasons. He could be busy, trying to explore his new area, he is becoming less interested or maybe even met someone else. The only way you can know is through communication. Communication is important in any relationship but especially in a distance relationship. You need to share your different lives with each other through words because you cannot experience it together. 

      My suggestion would be next time you do here from him, calmly explain your feelings. Tell him how much you care and miss him and that you are concerned for the future. Let him also share what he likes and does not like about the distance. This will help you understand this next stage of the relationship.

      If he is unable to let you know what is going on, or refuses to answer you then you might want to reconsider the relationship. You are a strong and independent woman and deserve to be with someone who will respect and listen to you. If this behavior is continuous without explanation, it is unacceptable.

  21. i always dream of my huzie
    i always dream of my huzie cheating on me.its very stressfull to wake up to find the images in my head.have talked to him and he said everything is okey and he aint cheating but the dreams have not varnished.what should i do?

    1. Hi Iain,

      Hi Iain,
      they are just dreams, don’t get too upset about it. You have talked to your partner and he has reassured you. It could be that it’s your own insecurities showing up. Are you really afraid that your partner is cheating? Do you have any reason to suspect that he is cheating outside the dream world? Always keep in mind that they are just dreams. If you dreamt something very, very strange about him, would you believe it?

  22. am in a marriage 4 7yrs now
    am in a marriage 4 7yrs now we work in the same place with ma hus bt i noticed he is finding 4transfer secrely 2leave me and ma 2kids behind.4 the 7yrs bn 2gether he realy helps me in his respons.last month he took sh100,000and went 2 another woman and returned home with nothing .last wk he took ma atm card and took all money and took 2another woman when i realised that he took ma money l called him and he told me he is with his prpstitute enjoying ma money,i felt so bad altho he paid back ma money?i hate him so much and i feel i cannot trust him any more
    he has neva given me his money during those 7yrs.pls help

    1. Hi Jane,

      Hi Jane,
      pole sana! You need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay with him? Do you think he can change? Do you think you can stay without him? Take some time to think about it and follow your gut when making a decision. Good luck1

  23. I Met A Guy A While Ago,we
    I Met A Guy A While Ago,we Got Into Rltnshp,laiter I Dscvrd He Had A Galfrnd Wen I Asked Him Abt The Lady He Said He Doesnt Love Her,am Confused Of Wat To Do,should I Quit Or?

    1. Hi there,

      Hi there,
      what do you want to get out of this realtionship? Do you think he will leave her? if not, is second good enough for you? take some time to think about it. Good luck!

  24. I met a guy 4yrs ago,distance
    I met a guy 4yrs ago,distance relationship but he calls me after 1week.Is he cheating on me?advice please.

    1. Hi Rosa,

      Hi Rosa,
      Have you asked him this, and have you told him you need more than a call a week?

  25. Been in a r/shp with this guy
    Been in a r/shp with this guy n 2mnths ago he asked fr a break for no apparent reason n hve tried to talk to him about it or if he wnt to walk away to jst say that but he says everythn is ok so i shldnt worry, am so confused on wat to do.plz advice

    1. Hmmm, that’s a tricky
      Hmmm, that’s a tricky situation. Maybe give him some more time and then try to talk to him again?

  26. I have a problem if not a big
    I have a problem if not a big problem, well I’ve never had any successful relationship and whenever I land myself a woman it never last, in fact the longest relationship I’ve ever had lasted for 3months,my question is what might bring given that they go away just after we had sex….. I’m confused

    1. Oti,

      Oti,
      Maybe you always go for the ‘wrong’ type of women? Try to get to know them really well before starting a relationship with them, to make sure you both want the same thing out of a relationship.

  27. Ma name is zinhle am 28 years
    Ma name is zinhle am 28 years old I am in a relatoinship with a guy for 4 years nw he’s got a wife bt he dnt wanna break up with I told him long time ago he dnt wanna listen,plz help

    1. Zinhle,

      Zinhle,
      I’m not sure if you wanted to break up with him or if you wanted him to break up with his wife?

  28. We agreed to have set after
    We agreed to have set after one year of our relationship, and after one year he change the mind, what makes him quit see, is still love me?

    1. Shola,

      Shola,
      Sorry honey, but we don’t know what changed his mind. Talk to him, and see if you can find out.

  29. what do u think of a guy who
    what do u think of a guy who has a date with n then cancels it to go to her sisters place does he really love me..

    1. Have you asked him that?
      Have you asked him that? Because we don’t know and can’t judge with this little information.

  30. hi..i hv prblm wth ma b.f..we
    hi..i hv prblm wth ma b.f..we hv broke up 4 de past 2 yrz..den decided get bck 2geda..nw he hs changed a lot..i dnt thnk he stil lvs me coz..i cn send him lv massges ,liv a missed cl bt neva resond.. he dnt even cl me unles i cl him.m de 1 hu alwyz tel him on hw much i love him..he jst smile & neva resond..i love him so mch..plzz .help..i dont knw wt 2 do.

    1. So sorry that’s what you are
      So sorry that’s what you are going through.
      Have you talked to him about this at all? I think you two need to have an honest conversation.

  31. iv bn in arelatiobship for
    iv bn in arelatiobship for 3yrs naw n we hav a kid togetha we always have misundastandings wch make mi luz op in thz guy..i walk away bt he stil begs mi back..I thnk iv completely lost my lov in him bt we stil liv togetha plz help

    1. Janoh,

      Janoh,
      you two need to learn how to communicate with each other to overcome your misunderstandings and issues. Only with good communication will you have a good relationship.

  32. I Am Inluv Wit A Guy, He
    I Am Inluv Wit A Guy, He Always Ask For Sex Whenever We See Each Oda Nd Am Tired Of Dat Pls Wot Sud I Do?

    1. Toyin,

      Toyin,
      have you talked to him about that? What does he say?

  33. Am so fed up with,men I met
    Am so fed up with,men I met with these guy,he promised 2 love assured me, he loves me bt,lately ,he has been deceiving,me ati ameenda,shagz,while in the room with another, lady alinishow amereconcile na wake,BT no ako na,w engine,I love him so much,what do I do help,

    1. Njeri,

      Njeri,
      have you talked to him about this? What does he have to say for himself?

  34. People here are.. sigh, can’t
    People here are.. sigh, can’t quite find the words. ok bye. 🙂

    1. Let us know if you ever find
      Let us know if you ever find the word!

  35. hi, i have been dating this
    hi, i have been dating this guy for some time now but i recently found out that he has a family (wife n kid). i really like him and despite trying to avoid him i still have a soft spot for him and its even worse since the guy keeps coming back to beg that we get back together. i dont want to go back but my heart is too much into it. what should i do?

    1. QK,

      QK,
      with a married guy, you will never be the most important part of his life. He will be cheating on his family.
      If those are things you can cope with- that’s your choice. But really think about what he is putting all of you through!

  36. hey…av known this guy for
    hey…av known this guy for two months…i found out he was talking to a chik an when she asked him if she loved me he said mayb..he also said that he wld want the atha gal for fun n tht she shld b his side chik and work her way to be the main chik…i got angry n mad n we separated cz although i asked him about it he dnt say anything…we got back after 3 weeks n tht day after make up sex as we were chatting he off..i assumed he was asleep but then he came back online n said tht his boss had called him about work..well i doubted him n insisted on him telling me the truth..he then said tht she(35yrs old)had asked him if he had a girlfriend and tht he dnt want her tu be angry so he said we were complicated…so i left him…its been two weeks now and he keeps texting me and hes following me on social media though i made it clear i dnt wanna see or talk to him..plz help wat shld i du

    1. Jay you should simply move on
      Jay you should simply move on with your life. He is not faithful and he has made that clear. If any contact is making it difficult for you to move on you should consider cutting all forms of contact including social media. All the best.

  37. Hae love matters , I
    Hae love matters , I musterbated for 4yrs n I
    stated dating recently, unfortunately Am not able
    to maintain an erection hence I can’t make love
    with my girlfriend, how can I reverse my case,
    please help, thank

  38. U said mustabation has no
    U said mustabation has no side effects but avread somewhere about its side effects

    1. What did you read Sam and is
      What did you read Sam and is it backed by research?

  39. musterbation has side effects
    musterbation has side effects n u said no

    1. Masturbation can be addictive
      Masturbation can be addictive but on very rare occasions.

  40. I have this chiq who love sex
    I have this chiq who love sex soo much to extent she never spare time for other talks. I feel I should quit since I don’t enjoy it…how do I start?

  41. I’m 21, I tend to get into a
    I’m 21, I tend to get into a relationship but on the first mistake I leave, in the name of protecting myself. Should I just assume and continue with a relationship?,,,even thou some of these mistakes are a sign of failure of that relationship.

    1. Hi Rennie,

      Hi Rennie,

      You need to understand there is no perfect relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs and its healthy since that is how people get to know each other better by facing issues together. If you keep leaving a relationship because an issue has come up you will never be able to settle.

  42. Have bin in a relationship…
    Have bin in a relationship for 6yrs and we had a kid wid my guy ever since I gave birth he has bin at time’s helping me at time’s not recently we had a fight over a small issue and now it has changed everything coz his mum had promised him to help him open a small business wen the mum had about our fight she changed her mind of not helping him I even had to call her and apologize WATS bothering is that he kips telling me dat his mum has not forgiven me and he also told my mum dat am not a wife material and he can’t do it anymore am so confused and don’t know Wat to do please advice me

  43. Hello Ndinda, …
    Hello Janet,

    I can imagine the situation you are in. Relationships can be tough sometimes, it becomes even tougher when the parents get so much involved in it. Perhaps it is time you had a candid conversation with your partner, what does he want and what do you want. Have clear expectations of this relationship and then decide if you want to move on with the relationship or not.

    Check this article on how to communicate with your partner: https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner

    Also this other may be helpful: https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/happy-relationships/irksome-in-laws

    Wish you the bext.

    Love Matters Team.

  44. I brake up with MY hubby he…
    I brake up with MY hubby he was beating mi even threatened to kill mi many time ,iwas patient opping he will change by all in vain I give up and lived her,and now he want Mi back.wat can ido

  45. My boyfred iz young than me …
    My boyfred iz young than me ,he marry well we are together but still he claims he loves me lkwice i love him but am worried ad dissapointed wat am i going to do ? Help me

  46. Iwantto join love matters
    Iwantto join love matters

  47. Hi Eunice, We are so sorry…
    Hi Eunice, We are so sorry about this. No one deserves such treatment from their partner, it is a good thing that you were able to get out of this relationship. Do you really want to go back to that? There is really no way to determine whether he has changed, take time and think about whether you really want to go back to him based on what you went through in the past.

  48. Hi Ann, Do you mean that he…
    Hi Ann, Do you mean that he married someone else? If this is the case it means he choose someone else and perhaps you need to also move on. On the other hand, when it come to relationships age is just a number. If you are both of mature age and you love each other then, nothing should stop you from being together not even your age differences. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/happy-relationships/does-age-difference-matter

  49. Hi Gladys, Welcome to Love…
    Hi Gladys, Welcome to Love Matters. You can interact with us here and on our Facebook Page Love Matters Africa.

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