woman holding a condom on a black background.

Stealthing: it’s not just about you

There are some sexual trends that are odd, while some are a bit awkward. Some are downright wrong and illegal, and we have to make sure they end.

This shouldn’t be a thing

We live in a strange time. Humanity has made great strides in improving our safety and confronting deep-seated problems. Despite this, some seem determined to undo all that progress; and exposing themselves and others to as much danger as possible. This is especially evident with regards to sex, and the current unsafe practice that is all the rage: stealthing.

For those unfamiliar with stealthing, it is the act of a man removing a condom unbeknownst to his partner during sex. How this even became a thing baffles the logical mind!

Although chances are it had been happening for a while before it came into the mainstream consciousness.
There is an idea that unprotected sex feels much better than protected sex. Regardless of whether this is true or not, the men engaging in this forget one crucial thing about the sexual act: consent.

Think it through

Consent is key. If your partner agreed to have sex with you with condoms as a prerequisite, you’re obliged to stick to those rules. You cannot change your mind midway; you cannot take it upon yourself to change the rules of engagement without the other person agreeing to it.

Consent is the difference between consensual sex and sexual assault. It’s encouraging to see countries the world over treat stealthing with the seriousness it deserves, by classifying it as the latter.

Casual sex often implies that the partners know little to nothing about each other’s sexual past and health status. Why would anyone expose themselves to potential infection just to ‘feel good’? Why would you expose someone who chose to have sex with you to the same? If the other party gets pregnant, what then?

With so many potential outcomes to one person’s recklessness, this action is testament to the actor’s disregard for other’s safety; and indeed their own.

We can stop this

Men, we are not entitled to what we want regardless of its effect on others. I know we’ve grown up in a patriarchy, and too often we’ve seen other men get away with callous actions especially towards women. This is not that time though. Society has changed for the better, and everyone’s voice has to be taken into account especially in any action that involves two or more parties. No one is beholden unto you; no one has to accommodate your desires at their expense. Anyone who values fairness will recognize this and seek to unlearn their habits.

Stealthing shouldn’t be a thing. The fact that there are pockets of men doing this is proof of how dysfunctional society can be.

The good news is this can be changed. First, we need legal recourse for any victims of these ‘stealthers’. It is an illegal act and should be treated as such.

Equally important, or perhaps more so, we need men to speak out against this. Chastise other men who brag about doing this; never again should anyone around you think that this is acceptable. The world has moved forward, and its past time for them to catch up.

What are your thoughts on stealthing? Share your thoughts on Facebook or in the comments. For questions and help, head to our forum.

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Recent Comments (20)

  1. Is it just a man? What about…
    Is it just a man? What about women who tear the condom during sex? This mostly happens when she wants to get pregnant for you yet one is not ready. It happened to me, now still in school I have a 3 year old daughter. Not the type of life i wanted to give my children.

    1. Hello D-Boy,…
      Hello D-Boy,

      So sorry that this happened to you. This can also happen. It is always a good thing to talk about prevention of pregnancy including Sexually Transmitted Infections when choosing to have sex so you can both make informed choices. We wish you well though.

    2. Love is real bt when you are young do not use your sex bt is very good when you are some one is real to love he loved

  2. I’ve a problem when having…
    I’ve a problem when having sex I don’t feel anything please help

    1. Hi Isaac, Would you like to…
      Hi Isaac, Would you like to tell us more, what do you mean by not feeling anything?

  3. I call it being immature,…
    I call it being immature, especially when one knows that s/he is HIV +ve and wants to infect the other one. People need to style and grow up.

    1. We appreciate your…
      We appreciate your contribution Patrick, it is infact an offence to knowingly infect another person.

  4. Sorry it itvhappened bt God…
    Sorry it itvhappened bt God hasplans for whatever it happens.

    1. We appreciate your…
      We appreciate your contribution Yegon.

  5. My bf tells mi that he doesn…
    My bf tells mi that he doesn’t have fun with condom

    1. Braniz, Condoms may…
      Braniz, Condoms may interrupt when one has to stop to put it on sex or even delay orgasm which may be a welcome outcome. The benefits though outweigh the setbacks. Maybe you need to talk about not using a condom just ones may result in an unplanned pregnancy. Talk about the importance of using the condom and agree on this so that sex will be enjoyable for you both.

    1. What about cheating Rose?
      What about cheating Rose?

    2. Thank you for your…
      Thank you for your contribution Rose.

  6. The habit is unacceptable…
    The habit is unacceptable and disgusting. What’s worrying me is that its become all the rage

    1. Absolutely Charles;…

      Absolutely Charles; stealthing is wrong because among other things, it goes against consent. 

  7. Is erectile disfunction…
    Is erectile disfunction treatable?

    1. Hi Koech, 

      Yes it is…

      Hi Koech, 

      Yes it is treatable. It is important to first understand what caused it so that possible treatment options can be used. In some cases, ED is caused or worsened by health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. In such cases, your doctor will ensure that you are getting the right treatment for any health conditions that could be causing or worsening your erectile dysfunction. In some cases physical exercise, counseling, and better lifestyle choices can help. Remember that while erectile dysfunction is treatable, some cases are easier to treat than others

  8. He removes without my…
    He removes without my consent, I will obviously feel it and if I realise when it is too late. We will go for testing and if he doesn’t agree I go for prerp and he will never hear from me or even come near me again.

    1. Hi Sarah, 

      I hear you!…

      Hi Sarah, 

      I hear you! Stealthing is totally wrong! And yes, it is wise to seek precautionary measures if that happens. 

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