woman holding a condom on a black background.

Stealthing: it's not just about you

By Anthony Okoth December 19, 06:00 am
There are some sexual trends that are odd, while some are a bit awkward. Some are downright wrong and illegal, and we have to make sure they end.

This shouldn’t be a thing

We live in a strange time. Humanity has made great strides in improving our safety and confronting deep-seated problems. Despite this, some seem determined to undo all that progress; and exposing themselves and others to as much danger as possible. This is especially evident with regards to sex, and the current unsafe practice that is all the rage: stealthing.

For those unfamiliar with stealthing, it is the act of a man removing a condom unbeknownst to his partner during sex. How this even became a thing baffles the logical mind!

Although chances are it had been happening for a while before it came into the mainstream consciousness.
There is an idea that unprotected sex feels much better than protected sex. Regardless of whether this is true or not, the men engaging in this forget one crucial thing about the sexual act: consent.

Think it through

Consent is key. If your partner agreed to have sex with you with condoms as a prerequisite, you’re obliged to stick to those rules. You cannot change your mind midway; you cannot take it upon yourself to change the rules of engagement without the other person agreeing to it.

Consent is the difference between consensual sex and sexual assault. It’s encouraging to see countries the world over treat stealthing with the seriousness it deserves, by classifying it as the latter.

Casual sex often implies that the partners know little to nothing about each other’s sexual past and health status. Why would anyone expose themselves to potential infection just to 'feel good'? Why would you expose someone who chose to have sex with you to the same? If the other party gets pregnant, what then?

With so many potential outcomes to one person’s recklessness, this action is testament to the actor’s disregard for other’s safety; and indeed their own.

We can stop this

Men, we are not entitled to what we want regardless of its effect on others. I know we’ve grown up in a patriarchy, and too often we’ve seen other men get away with callous actions especially towards women. This is not that time though. Society has changed for the better, and everyone’s voice has to be taken into account especially in any action that involves two or more parties. No one is beholden unto you; no one has to accommodate your desires at their expense. Anyone who values fairness will recognize this and seek to unlearn their habits.

Stealthing shouldn’t be a thing. The fact that there are pockets of men doing this is proof of how dysfunctional society can be.

The good news is this can be changed. First, we need legal recourse for any victims of these 'stealthers'. It is an illegal act and should be treated as such.

Equally important, or perhaps more so, we need men to speak out against this. Chastise other men who brag about doing this; never again should anyone around you think that this is acceptable. The world has moved forward, and its past time for them to catch up.

What are your thoughts on stealthing? Share your thoughts on Facebook or in the comments. For questions and help, head to our forum.

Did you learn something new?

Is it just a man? What about women who tear the condom during sex? This mostly happens when she wants to get pregnant for you yet one is not ready. It happened to me, now still in school I have a 3 year old daughter. Not the type of life i wanted to give my children.
Hello D-Boy, So sorry that this happened to you. This can also happen. It is always a good thing to talk about prevention of pregnancy including Sexually Transmitted Infections when choosing to have sex so you can both make informed choices. We wish you well though.
Patrick Omollo
Fri, 10/20/2017 - 07:29 am
I call it being immature, especially when one knows that s/he is HIV +ve and wants to infect the other one. People need to style and grow up.
Braniz, Condoms may interrupt when one has to stop to put it on sex or even delay orgasm which may be a welcome outcome. The benefits though outweigh the setbacks. Maybe you need to talk about not using a condom just ones may result in an unplanned pregnancy. Talk about the importance of using the condom and agree on this so that sex will be enjoyable for you both.
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