Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

In love with my lover

My problem is a boy who I am really in love with. I always sacrifice everything to make him happy but we are both in relationships.

We only meet for sex because he satisfies me. What can I do? I’m in love with him but it seems like I’m wasting myself.

Rejection hurts

Ouch, what a painful situation: to be in love with a man who wants nothing but sex from you. It’s a special kind of rejection, isn’t it? When a person you love and have let your emotional guard down for, only wants to see you in one dimension. Pole sana.

You can easily change this. First and foremost, stop wasting your boyfriend’s time. Let him go. You don’t love him and you are having sex with someone else. Also, please protect yourself and use condoms.

Get clarity

As for this dude, tell him that you want an exclusive relationship with him and you are breaking up with your boyfriend. He might say no or he might say yes but either way, you will know where you stand. Most human beings give the bare minimum that they can get away with when it comes to giving.

We would all be happy to pay 20 bob for a brand new Benz; but DT Dobie asks for a very different price. So those of us who think that a Benz is worth the money, we work for years, saving and scrimping to finally drive a Benz.

Treat yourself like that Benz. Tell him, bei imepanda. You now want commitment and exclusivity. You must then stop sleeping with him and only do so when you are in that committed and exclusive relationship. The point here is not to make ultimatums, but to express your feelings and to say you are being hurt by the current situation. Do not blame him because you have been a willing participant.

Sex haze

Before you do all this you may want to ask yourself if you can trust him to be faithful. There is also a phenomenon that the show Sex & The City dubbed ‘sex haze’ – where the sex is so good with a man that it clouds your judgment and you can hardly see straight. Women in a sex haze sometimes create a relationship in their minds even when they know that they would typically not date the guy in question.

Spending some time by yourself to figure out how you really feel about these guys, is perhaps the best thing to do right now. Trust me: they will still be there when you are ready to welcome them back into your life.

Have you been in love with your second lover? How did you deal with it? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Love Matters Naija and Kenya.

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