An illustration of sexpert Chris Hart — E. del Rosso

I hate my cheating husband

My husband cheated on me and now he’s sick. I’m expected to support him and pretend that everything is okay but honestly am dying on the inside.

I want to divorce him. I’m only 27 and feel like I can still find a faithful man, but I have lost faith in my marriage and I don’t wanna try and fix it. Please help.

I do sympathise with you. Being cheated on is always awful, and sadly there’s no easy answer to your problem. If you stay in the marriage you’ll feel dreadful, at least to begin with. If you leave you’ll worry that everyone’s looking down on you. You just can’t win either way.

So what should you do?

First of all, you say your husband’s sick and you’re having to support him. I assume he’s getting treatment for his illness? And will be able to return to work before long? If that’s the case, then I’d suggest you at least try to think about forgiving him and getting your marriage back on track.

But the way you’ve described the situation suggests that you’re finding the idea of staying together very hard. And I can understand how you’re feeling. You’re young, and your faith in your husband has been shattered.

And sad though it is to say this, most marriages are affected by some sort of infidelity at some point or other.

But most couples succeed in understanding why the cheating happened and putting that right. And successfully carry on together – often much better than before: more honest, and with a better and more realistic sort of trust. Based on a real understanding of the sort of risky behaviours that make an affair more likely. Like mixing with the wrong friends. Drinking too much – and in the wrong places.
Or giving your partner a hard time, so they end up talking about their troubles to someone else.

Put things like that right, and no-one strays again. In effect, a new start to the relationship, on a less romantic but more practical basis.

Sometimes that’s just not possible. Perhaps because a spouse won’t make the necessary changes to restore trust. Or maybe your husband’s illness means he can never work again. Or have children. Then you must leave. You’ll feel bad about that of course, and making a new start’s always hard. But much better than a lifetime of regret.

So try to talk to your husband. Agree a plan to get him back to health – and back to work. Discuss his infidelity, with a counsellor if necessary. Agree what needs to change to prevent another affair.
Forgive him, so that the memory of what happened loses its hold over you. And if that’s not possible, at least you’ll know that you tried your best.

What would you do? Leave or stay? Share your thoughts below or on Facebook. For any questions, head to our discussion board.