How can I support a friend considering an abortion?
By Karuana Mwai
Abortion is a deeply personal decision that many women and girls face. Each year, an estimated 73 million induced abortions occur worldwide.
In Kenya alone, an estimated 500,000 abortions are performed annually—a number likely higher, given the challenges in collecting accurate data and the fact that some women may choose to carry out the procedure at home. This means there’s a strong possibility that, at some point, you’ll have a friend who is considering or has had an abortion.
Perhaps you’ve already been there, or maybe you’ve faced this decision yourself. If so, you know how crucial it is to have the support of a friend during such a challenging time.
Despite being one of the safest and most common medical procedures, accessing an abortion can be fraught with emotional and financial difficulties due to pervasive cultural stigmas and restrictive laws. This makes the support of a friend not just helpful, but essential.
This post is about being that supportive friend. It’s about standing by someone during a time when society teaches us to be silent and ashamed.
We spoke to two young women in Kenya who have undergone abortions to learn what support meant to them during this process. Additionally, we consulted with a psychologist to better understand the emotional and psychological support that can make all the difference when helping a friend navigate this experience.
Here’s what we learned.
Jackie, 30 Years Old: Support goes a long way
‘I had an abortion when I was 18, just a few months into my first year at university. I was inexperienced, and after having sex for the first time, I didn’t know much about contraception. We didn’t use protection, and I didn’t realize I should have taken a morning-after pill. Three weeks later, I started feeling sick—nauseous and weak. I went to the university clinic and found out I was pregnant.
I was devastated. Everything felt like it was falling apart. I went back to my hostel, trying to sleep, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what to do next. I knew one thing for sure: I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I wanted to focus on my studies, and I wasn’t mentally prepared for motherhood. So, I called my best friend and told her everything. I told her I needed an abortion.
Her response was everything I needed. She was supportive, non-judgmental, and reassuring. She asked me to meet her at our favorite restaurant—a place where we usually chatted about school, boys, and life. She created a comfortable environment, ordered my favorite food, and made me feel at ease so I could share what was happening. She listened, and I felt heard and understood. The words that stuck with me were, ‘I’m going to help you get through this.’
I didn’t know where to go for the procedure, so she helped me research hospitals and even found some videos to show me what to expect. She also helped me prepare by getting things like pads for after the abortion. On the day of the procedure, she came with me to the hospital and stayed with me in the hostel for a few days afterward. She kept checking on me, but instead of the usual ‘How are you doing?’ she asked, ‘How are you doing?’ It showed me that she was genuinely concerned.
Most importantly, she kept my secret. We never talked about it unless I brought it up, and even now, with all our mutual friends, I trust she hasn’t told anyone.’
Diana, 24 Years Old: What NOT to Do or Say
‘When I realized I was pregnant last year, I felt so guilty. I didn’t want to explain my decision to anyone, but I knew I was going to get an abortion. At the time, I was living with my sister, who is very opinionated about abortion.
I thought that, since this was now a reality, she would understand and support me. So, I personified myself as a friend and asked her, ‘My friend got pregnant and is considering an abortion. How can I support her, and do you know any clinics we can go to?’
I remember her opening her mouth in shock and then saying, ‘If she does this, she will never go to heaven.’ She urged me to be a good role model with Christian values and guide my ‘friend’ on the right path. I was carrying a child, but I had never felt so alone.
This wasn’t supposed to be about her beliefs—all I wanted was her focus on my situation. I ended up doing my research online and found out about over-the-counter medicines. I went from one chemist to another trying to buy the medicine. Some pharmacies refused, and others were too expensive. I felt so demoralized and wished I had someone doing this with me.
Finally, I found a medic in a pharmacy at Kahawa West, Nairobi who was willing to sell me the medicine and help me with the procedure. What I needed was a non-judgmental person to go through this with me. They didn’t even need to say anything—just being there would have been enough.
Brian Otieno’s Psychological Perspective
Brian Otieno, a psychologist and behavioral health analyst, emphasizes that people considering abortion need a listening ear. Offering support means being non-judgmental and having an open mind. Try not to provide solutions, but instead, help address the options presented with empathy and understanding.
Key Insights
To support a friend who is considering an abortion, practice mindful listening. Engage with your friend both emotionally and mentally. Listen not to respond, but to truly understand their feelings. Remember, this is about them, not you.
Avoid imposing your opinions about abortion care. Your role is to support and respect their decision. Even though abortion care is a health service, it is your friend’s decision whom to tell and whom not to tell. Keep their confidence, and make them feel comfortable, loved, and supported in their decision.