Love is a beautiful but complicated thing and not everyone is lucky enough to be in a long-lasting relationship. Ever had a relationship that seemed to be going along just fine and then one stupid little thing happens and you’re just like, ‘Nope. I’m done?’
There is no coming back from that place. Done. Sometimes, someone is so perfect until you are wondering how do I break up. Here are the top excuses people use to break up with someone.
And some people are petty. I know because I once broke up with someone because they didn’t say goodnight. Yes, I am that petty.
So here is a list of completely silly (but somewhat reasonable) reasons to break up.
1. He's shorter
There's something about women and tall men...
You want a man who can fix the bulb without asking for a stool. Someone you want to stand on your toes to kiss. A friend once told me she dumped her man because she used to change the bulbs by herself. In some cases, the height difference is so small but this will still be used as an excuse.
2. They chew loudly
Mchwa! Mchwa! Mchwa! Table manners! My God, I hate the sound of someone eating food loudly. It is quite honestly disturbing. You have prepared a good ugali Sukuma and avocado and someone just chews loudly. I know of a guy who left his girlfriend because she ate her githeri one by one. I mean. One by one! I once went out on a date with someone who applied tomato sauce on her hands first then rubbed it off the chipo. She then licked her fingers. I have not eaten chipo since that day. Oh, and by the way she later confessed she was in it for the food.
Life is already stressful enough. Imagine now all you want to do is sleep yet someone, supposedly the love of your life snores the whole night. With the exception of hereditary medical conditions, I am no longer sleeping with you! Literally and figuratively!
4. I didn’t like their family
The mother talks too loudly. The father looks at me in a strange suggestive way. The brother keeps texting me at night. The sisters hate my natural hair. Sometimes, you love the person but the family is totally unsalvageable. You realize marrying into this family, and having a mother-in-law like that is one heartbeat away from death.
5. Dreams come true
‘She broke up with me for something that I did in her dream.’ This one, you can’t plead or negotiate. You don’t even know what you did!
6. They are meh!
There are people who are just there. Whether it’s due to a lack of ambition, laziness, no desire, they are just there. The world could be ending and they wouldn’t even know. It’s beautiful not to care, but when you are careless? Ah no. You can’t take someone like that anywhere. Anaboo.
7. Bad Kisser
Have you ever been with someone who kisses by rapidly sticking his tongue in and out of your mouth over and over again kind of like a snake tasting the wind? Neither have I because I dumped them.
8. Cool Beans
He said 'Wazi Bro.'
I just don’t want to be around people who say that.
9. They shrub (Heavy accent)
Look, no offense against our mother tongue influences but we have to be careful over how we pronounce certain things. Imagine someone calling you ‘tarling’ instead of darling. I know, these are reasonable grounds for divorce…,‘tarling..'
10. Body issues
I do understand we are all made in the image of God. But my sister once told me she broke up with a guy because when they were in bed, their foreheads kept clashing. I laughed so hard. And the worst part, she never really realized how big of a head he had. She thought about pushing that kind of head out of her when she was pregnant for him and she couldn’t. Haha!
Black first, blue shirts follow, then white. Some people never open their windows. My colleague at work washes her hands after every one hour. Her boyfriend dumped her because he could not keep up with the ungodly cleanliness standards. Sure, cleanliness is next to godliness, but he was just a man. I think.
12. They don’t reply fast
Are you cheating on me? Who are you talking to besides me? You know what, it’s over.
13. They reply too fast
Kwani you don’t have a life? Are you just waiting for me? Girls are the biggest culprits of this. It’s up to you to find the balance.
But you know what they say: All is fair in love and war. Even the dumb decisions.
Oh, and by the way, goodnight.
What is the pettiest excuse you've ever used to break up with someone?