As a parent, how much of my past should I share with my child?
By Karuana Mwai
As a parent, sharing your own experiences from your teenage years can be helpful, but it’s important to strike a balance. In this article, we present some considerations for parents/guardians.
Deciding how much of your teenage experiences to share with your child can feel like walking a tightrope. On one hand, opening up about your past can deepen your connection and establish trust. On the other, it can be nerve-wracking to reveal personal details, especially when it comes to topics like relationships and sexuality. It’s natural to wonder: How much should I disclose, and what’s the right balance?
The answer isn’t black and white; it’s a personal choice based on your values, your child’s maturity, and the context of your conversations.
The key is to make these conversations relatable and meaningful. Instead of merely recounting stories from your past, think about how those experiences can provide valuable lessons for your child. For instance, if you choose to talk about your first kiss, consider how you can frame that moment in a way that emphasizes the emotions involved and the importance of consent and respect.
Breaking the illusion of perfection
Additionally, being open about your own mistakes can significantly challenge the notion that parents are perfect. In many cultures, including Kenyan society, there’s often an expectation that parents have all the answers and lead flawless lives. This can create a gap between parents and children, making it difficult for kids to feel comfortable discussing their struggles or mistakes.
Acknowledging your missteps shows your child that everyone makes mistakes and that learning from them is what truly matters. It can lead to important conversations about making good choices and taking responsibility.
The risks of oversharing
As much as sharing your personal experiences can help build trust with your child, there are risks to oversharing. Too much information can confuse them, blur boundaries, or even encourage and validate the wrong behaviors.
- Encouraging Risky Behavior: If you casually mention rebellious stories from your youth—like skipping school, sneaking out, or experimenting with substances—your teen might interpret it as permission to do the same. They might think, ‘If my parents did it and it turned out fine, why shouldn’t I?’ To avoid this, always focus on the consequences of your actions and the lessons you learned, rather than just the rebellious behavior. Help your child understand that your mistakes taught you valuable lessons that you’re now passing on to them.
- Blurring Boundaries: While being open with your child is important, they still need you to be a parent, not a peer. Oversharing intimate details about your past can make your teen uncomfortable or diminish your authority. Your role is to guide them with wisdom and boundaries, not to relive your teenage years together. Maintain a balance by sharing enough to build trust, but not so much that you cross into friend territory. This way, your child knows they can come to you for advice, while still respecting the boundaries of the parent-child relationship.
Your experience doesn’t have to be your child’s
It’s essential to understand that your past experiences don’t determine your child’s future. Just because you made certain choices growing up—whether it was abstaining from sex until marriage or adhering to strict family values—doesn’t mean your child will follow the same path.
Instead of focusing solely on your experience and choices, it’s crucial to give your child the tools they need to navigate their journey. Talk about safe sex practices, the importance of consent, and the potential consequences of unprotected sex, such as STIs, unintended pregnancies, or the emotional impact of relationships. Even if abstinence is your preferred message, it’s equally important to provide your child with information about contraception, birth control options, and how to protect themselves in case they make different choices. Being open about these topics can prevent risky behaviors and help your child feel empowered to make informed decisions.
Times have changed
Your teenage years likely occurred in a different era, and the social landscape has shifted dramatically. Today, challenges like social media, internet access, and the availability of online content—including pornography—have reshaped how young people experience relationships and sexuality. While the core lessons about respect, boundaries, and healthy relationships remain essential, the context in which your child is growing up is more complex.
One significant difference is the increasing awareness of gender identity and sexual orientation. In today’s world, many teens are exploring their identity in ways that might not have been openly discussed in your generation. Conversations about being LGBTQ+ are more common, and teens are often more exposed to diverse perspectives on gender fluidity and non-binary identities. This evolving understanding may seem new or unfamiliar, but it’s crucial to approach these topics with openness, support, and a willingness to learn alongside your child.
Reflect on your past
Reflecting on your past is a crucial step before sharing your own teenage years experience with your child, especially if your teenage years were marked by trauma or painful experiences. It’s essential to acknowledge how these experiences might influence your ability to communicate effectively and create a safe space for your child.
If sharing your past evokes negative emotions or reopens old wounds, it’s vital to approach these conversations with caution. Unresolved trauma can manifest in various ways—such as anxiety, overprotectiveness, or difficulty managing emotions—and these reactions can hinder your ability to connect with your child. Instead of fostering an open dialogue, they may inadvertently create a barrier that prevents your child from feeling comfortable discussing their own experiences and concerns.
In such cases, seeking support from a trusted adult or mental health professional can be beneficial. They can help you process your emotions and provide strategies for navigating these conversations. This support can enable you to engage with your child from a place of strength, rather than vulnerability.
What if my child asks about my experience?
Kids are naturally curious, especially when it comes to topics like relationships and sex. You might not even be the one to bring up your past—your child may catch you off guard with direct questions like, ‘Did you and Dad do that?’ or ‘Did you date anyone in high school?’ These moments can feel awkward, but it’s important to handle them thoughtfully.
First, it’s okay to take a pause. You don’t need to have all the answers right away. Let your child know you appreciate their question and that you’ll get back to them after you’ve had some time to think. This shows that you take their curiosity seriously and want to provide a thoughtful response. Just be careful not to dismiss the question entirely—your child needs to feel like they can approach you with anything, even the uncomfortable stuff.
If you’re not comfortable sharing certain details, that’s perfectly fine. You can set a healthy boundary by saying something like, ‘What happens between me and your dad is personal, and one day, when you’re older, you’ll understand the importance of keeping some things private.’ This way, you’re teaching them about privacy and respecting boundaries, which are valuable lessons for any relationship.
However, while it’s okay to keep some things private, it’s also important to stress that they should never stay silent about issues like abuse or unhealthy relationships. Use these conversations as opportunities to reinforce that if they ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable in their relationships, they can and should speak up.
Back to you – When it comes to sharing your teenage experiences with your child, trust your instincts and choose what feels right for both of you at the moment. Every parent-child relationship is unique, and what works for one may not resonate with another. Whether you opt to be open about your past or choose to keep certain details private, your priority should be fostering a safe and supportive environment where your child feels comfortable discussing sensitive topics.
Embrace age-appropriate sex education as part of this dialogue, ensuring that your child is equipped with the knowledge they need to navigate their own experiences confidently. Ultimately, it’s about building trust and understanding, allowing for open conversations that can guide them as they grow.
Have you ever shared your own experiences with your child? What was your experience like?