• Sex-Ed Resources

I found condoms in my 11-year-old son’s room

By Karuana Mwai 
You just found condoms in your son’s sock drawer, or they have fallen out of his backpack. Now what? How do you respond without making matters worse?

Stay calm and avoid panic

The first and most crucial step is to remain calm. While it is natural to feel concerned, panicking or reacting harshly can create a barrier between you and your son, making it harder to find the answers that you need.

Finding condoms doesn’t necessarily mean that he is sexually active, but it does suggest that he’s thinking about sex and possibly how to stay safe. If he is sexually active, using condoms shows that he is being responsible and taking steps to protect himself and his partner.

Your goal should be to approach this conversation with openness and understanding. Don’t delay talking to your child. Take some time to educate yourself about sexual health and current trends so you can better assess your child’s situation.  It’s also important to discuss the matter with your spouse or another trusted and progressive adult to ensure you present a united and supportive front.

When you’re ready to talk, set aside a specific time when you won’t be interrupted. This will ensure you both can discuss the topic calmly and effectively, creating a supportive environment for your child to express his thoughts and ask questions.

Create a safe, no-judgment zone

Your son needs to know that he can talk to you about anything without fear of judgment or punishment. Start by creating a safe space for the conversation. You might say, “I found these in your room, and I’m not upset, but I think it’s important we talk about it.” Avoid phrases like “This is my house and you must abide by my rules.” This approach encourages honesty and helps your son feel comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings.

Adopt a step-by-step approach

When discussing sexual matters with your child, use a step-by-step approach. Start by asking open-ended questions to understand his knowledge and feelings about condoms. For example, you might ask, ‘Do you know what these are for?’ or ‘Where did you get these?’

This helps you assess his understanding and correct any misinformation. If he is sexually active, acknowledge that using condoms indicates he is taking responsibility to protect himself and his partner from STIs and unintended pregnancies.

A point worth noting

Expect that your child might respond with embarrassment or defensiveness, such as saying, ‘They’re not mine,’ ‘I only used them once and didn’t like it,’ or ‘It’s not a big deal.’ These responses are common as your child tries to downplay the situation.

Don’t get sidetracked by these responses. Instead, encourage a deeper conversation by asking questions that prompt reflection, like ‘Who have you talked to about this topic, and what did they say?’

It’s natural to hope that what you’ve found is harmless experimentation. However, research shows that nearly half of all Kenyan teenagers have their first sexual experience by the age of 18, with 15 percent of women and 21 percent of men reporting their first sexual experience by age 15.

Provide basic condom education

If your son is curious or already informed, this might be the right time to discuss the basics of condom use. Explain that condoms are used to prevent the spread of STIs and to avoid unintended pregnancies. You could also discuss the importance of using condoms correctly and consistently. It’s important to communicate this information in simple, age-appropriate terms.

Some points to cover might include:

• How to use a condom: Walk him through the steps, such as checking the expiration date, carefully opening the package, and properly putting it on. Also, discuss the potential risks of premarital sex, especially as a teenager. Emphasize that even with condoms, there is always a possibility of breakage, which can lead to unintended consequences.
• Types of condoms: Mention that there are different types, but the most important thing is that they are used correctly and consistently.
• Why condoms are important: Emphasize that condoms are an important tool for staying safe, and protecting both himself and his partner.

Addressing your concerns

It’s understandable to have concerns about your son’s sexual activity, especially if he’s only 11. At this age, engaging in sexual activity can raise serious questions about his emotional readiness, the influence of peers, and whether he fully understands the implications of his actions. It’s crucial to find out who he might be involved with to ensure that the relationship is consensual and that he isn’t being taken advantage of. However, approach this gently to avoid making him feel cornered or defensive.

If you’re uncomfortable having this conversation, consider involving a trusted and knowledgeable adult, such as a family doctor or a relative who your son is close to. The key is to ensure that he has access to accurate information and support.

Monitor without invading privacy

While it’s important to stay informed about your son’s activities, it’s equally important to respect his privacy. Monitoring doesn’t mean invading his personal space or snooping through his belongings. Instead, keep an open line of communication and watch for changes in behavior that might indicate he’s struggling with something. Encourage him to come to you with any questions or concerns, reinforcing that you’re there to help, not to judge.

At the end of your conversation, you might have established a clear plan for moving forward, or you may have just begun laying the groundwork. If it’s the latter, be sure to let him know that you’ll revisit the topic and make sure to follow through.

Finding condoms in your son’s room can be a wake-up call, but it’s also an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and guide him through a crucial stage in his development. By staying calm, creating a safe and non-judgmental space, and providing clear, age-appropriate information, you’re helping your son navigate this complex area of life with confidence and responsibility.

Remember, the goal is to keep the lines of communication open so that he knows he can always turn to you for guidance and support.

Parents (and caregivers) have you ever found a condom in your child’s room?