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Alphonce Omondi

Love without sex

My girlfriend says she loves me but won’t have sex with me. I really want to sleep with her and I don’t want to leave her. What should I do?

What do you want?

Your question seems a little backwards to me. Your girlfriend has made her feelings and her decision clear: she loves you but will not have sex with you. The question is: Are you okay with staying in a sexless relationship?

People create all manner of relationships and partnerships depending on their needs. If you ask around you will find some married couples who have not had sex for years. They may still love each other but they are focused on other things such as raising a family and they find that sex is not a priority. Other unions are based purely on sex and close examination might reveal very little affection but a lot of lust.

What are her reasons?

A clear and blanket ‘no’ to sex is usually fuelled by fear or religious fervour. So which is it with your girlfriend? Is she a devout Christian, Muslim or Hindu who is waiting for marriage to express herself sexually? Is she afraid of the consequences of sex, such as pregnancy or infections?

Perhaps she is focused on school or building a career and she is clear that a child, or a too serious relationship would derail all that?

 

Talk to each other

Until you and your girlfriend speak candidly about these issues, you will not know why she came to the decision not to have sex with you. You will also not know how long she intends to live this way. Does she want you to wait for marriage? Is she okay with you having sex with other people until she is ready? Also, what is sex to her? Can you have oral sex and masturbate together while you wait until she is ready? Once you have this information, you can determine if this is the type of relationship you want or if you want to find another person whose values are more in tune with your own.


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Recent Comments (68)

    1. Thanks Lenny, we are glad you
      Thanks Lenny, we are glad you like it!

  1. I don’t see that as a problem
    I don’t see that as a problem; my guy n i is passing through the same thing ,we both agree not to have sex till we got marriage and we are happy for each other for the past two years…remember sex is not a payment of love/marriage.

    1. Hi Evelyn,

      Hi Evelyn,
      that’s great to hear, so happy for you!
      But then, remember that both you and your partner agreed on this- the person who is asking the questions seems to want sex, while his partner doesn’t. That is bound to get difficult…

  2. Bcox is it suppose 2 be after
    Bcox is it suppose 2 be after marriage nt b4 marriage owk

    1. Hi Sani,

      Hi Sani,
      generally, this is to the couple to decide, based on their beliefs and norms. What would you do in a situation like this?

    1. Hi John,

      Hi John,
      that’s okay! If you were in a situation like this, what would you do?

  3. My point here in this matter.
    My point here in this matter..I wound’nt have sex with my patner til after marriage that how,how islam teaches us.

    1. Hi Saeed,

      Hi Saeed,
      thanks for this input!

    1. Hi Clara,

      Hi Clara,
      great to hear that. If you were in a similar situation, with your partner wanting sex, whay would you do?

  4. The who always deceive you
    The who always deceive you that she love you but she doesn’t want to play sex with you is not interesting on you.

    1. Hi Aleu,

      Hi Aleu,
      what if she is doing it for religious reasons? Could you accept that?

  5. i found out that ma husband
    i found out that ma husband is cheating on mi with ma best friend plize help mi too over come this

    1. Oh no, Ivy dear, so sorry to
      Oh no, Ivy dear, so sorry to hear that! That is the worst thing a woman can hear, isn’t it?
      Have you talked to your husband? What happened?
      You need to take some time to figure out what you want and need to happen now. And then talk to your husband. Do you think you can trust him again? And if so, what do you need him to do in order for you to trust him again? What does he need from you? Why did he cheat? Did he cheat more often? Lots of talking and honesty will be necessary now- it will be a difficult time for you. All the best.

    2. ivy im sory 2 hear dis but
      ivy im sory 2 hear dis but pray to God to help u overcome dis

      1. Thanks for your comforting
        Thanks for your comforting words, Ann.

  6. The who always deceive you
    The who always deceive you that she love you but she doesn’t want to play sex with you is not interesting on you.

  7. The who always deceive you
    The who always deceive you that she love you but she doesn’t want to play sex with you is not interesting on you.

    1. Hi Kirui,

      Hi Kirui,
      have you ever been in a situation like this? Does it sound familiar?

    1. Oh no, Rose, what’s happening
      Oh no, Rose, what’s happening?

  8. my husbannd doent satisfy me
    my husbannd doent satisfy me he lasts 5min in bed an I dnt get satisfied is he weak o wat really dnt knw worried

    1. Hi Ayanda,

      Hi Ayanda,
      have you showed and told him what you need? Have you told him where your clitoris is and what to do with it? Only if he knows what to do can he satisfy you. And you are the one who will need to tell him. He has a penis, not a clitoris. I’m sure he had to show you what he wants and needs in bed.
      You guys need to start communicating. If he doesn’t know there is something wrong, he won’t be able to change anything. So talk (nicely!) and show him what you need! I suggest lots of foreplay with attention to the clitoris, oral sex for you and preferably an orgasm during foreplay already.

  9. Absolutely,love is not all
    Absolutely,love is not all about sex.for the Bible says “SEX” is meant only for married couples, that is sex before marriage is a (SIN)………..

    1. Hi Tobi,

      Hi Tobi,
      thanks for your comment!

  10. The guy nid to converc wth
    The guy nid to converc wth the lady,to knw the specific reason fo her refusal.by ths they can come to an agreement on sexual matterz…

    1. Hi Snipper,

      Hi Snipper,
      we totally agree with you. Communication is the key to everything in a relationship, especially sexual matters.

  11. Normally when a girl says
    Normally when a girl says they love you,they actually mean it. If she is religious then respect that as that means sinning to her. If she’s not religious, then ask her I suggest you find out from her. And that doesn’t mean you hit the nail on the head. Women like it when it’s an adventure not a sudden discovery.

    1. Hi Sam,

      Hi Sam,
      You are right, relationships should be about communication, being honest with each other and respecting each others choices.

  12. am afraid to have sex with my
    am afraid to have sex with my guy though i love him, he has given me a year and am not comfortable with that

    1. Hi Farsha,

      Hi Farsha,
      first of all, if you aren’t comfortable, don’t do it. Secondly though, why are you afraid and uncomfortable? Share your fears and concerns with your partner. Talk about it. Try to find a solution together.

    1. Hi Mercy,

      Hi Mercy,
      most relationships are…

  13. Though b4 i ll agree to b in
    Though b4 i ll agree to b in a relationship i always gv d guy d condition which s “NO SEX B4 MARRIAGE” nd it pays me cz @ d end f d day i find out dat most f dem r after sex d only 1 dat agree gave me his own condition dat since am nt ready can he do dat wit anoda gel f cz i allowed him to do dat provided dat i knw d gel nd d gel knw us

    1. Hi Temi,

      Hi Temi,
      it’s always good to make your conditions known ahead of getting into a relationship!

  14. hi thea ma problem is she
    hi thea ma problem is she said to wait,but i caught her having sex wid ma friend.i can’t forgive that action.

    1. Oh no, Zulu, that’s indeed is
      Oh no, Zulu, that’s indeed is a huge disrespect of your trust!

  15. I dont support it 2 hv sex b4
    I dont support it 2 hv sex b4 marriage !

    1. Thanks for your comment,
      Thanks for your comment, Sharon!

  16. Just nd ur help guyz ! Am in
    Just nd ur help guyz ! Am in lov w a guy whoz in s.a ! E pblm z he does call we only cmmmcte pa app , knw itz knw 2 mnths eyz no change after i hd compld .so know i just dnt really knw . I trust hm bt w thz am strt nt bn feelng secure

    1. Distance relationships can be
      Distance relationships can be hard. When a partner moves to another place for an extended period of time it can put a lot of stress on the relationship. One person is off doing new experiences and the other is at home missing the person having to figured out life without the other. 

      Both are going out and doing their own actives, hanging out with other people and it can make finding the time to talk hard. Many people get jealous because they do not always know what the other person is doing or seeing while they are apart.

      If your partner isn’t calling you it can be for a variety of reasons. He could be busy, trying to explore his new area, he is becoming less interested or maybe even met someone else. The only way you can know is through communication. Communication is important in any relationship but especially in a distance relationship. You need to share your different lives with each other through words because you cannot experience it together. 

      My suggestion would be next time you do here from him, calmly explain your feelings. Tell him how much you care and miss him and that you are concerned for the future. Let him also share what he likes and does not like about the distance. This will help you understand this next stage of the relationship.

      If he is unable to let you know what is going on, or refuses to answer you then you might want to reconsider the relationship. You are a strong and independent woman and deserve to be with someone who will respect and listen to you. If this behavior is continuous without explanation, it is unacceptable.

      Hope this helps. Otherwise check out some relationship tips:
      http://lovematters.co.ke/resource/tips-relationships
      http://lovematters.co.ke/resource/types-relationships

  17. We have had sex for a period
    We have had sex for a period of tyme almost a year. she has just decided that she doesnt want it anymore . i have taken tym with her on the same issue but she claims not to argue over it again. i feel scared because i loved her . help plz

    1. Hi Darlene,

      Hi Darlene,
      you used to have sex, but now she doesn’t want to have sex anymore? Or she doesn’t want the relationship anymore?

      1. Wat I knw z tht isn’t all abt
        Wat I knw z tht isn’t all abt sex no

  18. she doesnt love u but
    she doesnt love u but claiming she loves u.

    1. Hi Nathan,

      Hi Nathan,
      don’t you think that it’s possible some people aren’t ready for sex? Or want to wait until they are married/? Does love always equal sex?

  19. Me n my gfriend r not so
    Me n my gfriend r not so close like before,1 day she came 2 my place…she found dat I’m with my brada,den my brada said;u two always have ex can’t u atleast chill and have tym 2 tlk..den she became angry at me.nw she said she won’t ever come at my place bcos of wat my brada said…she will come wen I got my own place(renting),I go 2 her location smtyms..she dznt wnt 2be kissed,touched..

  20. I am in a relationship..plz
    I am in a relationship..plz is it bad to kiss en he hld breast. we luv each other soo much en we communicate often

    1. Hi Baraza,

      Hi Baraza,
      no, that’s totally fine, I just hope you wont faint from a lack of oxygen!

  21. am 26 dating a lady of 30yrs
    am 26 dating a lady of 30yrs,she love me soo much.she wants me to marry her but am afraid of her age.plz advs

    1. Hi Henry,

      Hi Henry,
      age is just a number.
      What really matters is that you love, respect and trust each other.

  22. Love Is Really Great Without
    Love Is Really Great Without Sex.We Normally Had Sex But It Came To A Point That We Realized That Its Lowering Us Down Spiritualy And Mentally.And We Make A Decision To Put A Stop To It And Wait For The Right Time,communication And Understanding Is The Major Key To Happy Relationship.We Mostly Chat,play Etc.And Dearly We Love Each Other.Thanks For Your Love #evelyn

    1. Thank you for sharing your
      Thank you for sharing your experience!

  23. In our 3 yrs. of long
    In our 3 yrs. of long distance relationship. By the time that we had meet. We decided that we should never have sex. Why? We do support sex b4 marriage. I am afraid that ir we had sex already then we broke up, I would become a losser. Plus he never want to have sex with me to , because he was afraid also that he may ruined my future. He respect my belief and we both have ambitions to fullfilled. We preserve our sex till we meet again after we shared our vows. And now we are half a decade but still love each other. #sexless relationship is also good.

    1. Hi Jannys thank you for
      Hi Jannys thank you for taking time to share your experience with us.

  24. I hv similar case bt mae
    I hv similar case bt mae partner told me til marriage , do I hv to wait or may b he is sustained else wea ad I dont know bt we r vry free even careless kissing ad touchin bt XX no ,am nt ok with it at all wat can I do plz gve me a peace off advice

    1. Hi Mungai, people are in
      Hi Mungai, people are in relationships for different reasons. If you are only interested in sex you need to consider ending that relationship to be with someone with similar interests to yours. If not you need to be patient and wait until your partner is ready.

  25. I hv same case of loving
    I hv same case of loving wthout sex:we reali love each other that much,having tme 2gether,hug and kis ourselves bt she told me no sex til marriage.i disagree wth her n warned her 4 dat suggestion bt can’t change her mind keps luking 4 me evrywhere.adv me…i don’t need her shit n am tire of dat

    1. Hi Kevin, it sounds as though
      Hi Kevin, it sounds as though you have already made up your mind on what to do.

  26. currntly datng mah partner,bt
    currntly datng mah partner,bt xhe kip on complng y xhul we ave sex evry momnt happn 2 met, en 2 meh i tek it ax anormal affectn in love, wat 2 advc her?

    1. Hi, i don’t understand your
      Hi, i don’t understand your question kindly use proper English to enable proper understanding.

  27. i think sex,is for pleasure…
    i think sex,is for pleasure.do it if is suites you

    1. Thank you Pherydah for your…

      Thank you Pherydah for your contribution.

  28. it’s tough as far as my…
    it’s tough as far as my sexual feelings are concerned

    1. Hi Mathias, 

      Thank you for…

      Hi Mathias, 

      Thank you for your contribution. I agree with you, love without sex doesn’t work for everyone. 

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