Guide to recovery for the cheated

Tips on how to recover after cheating

By Yoshita Sengupta June 17, 06:00 am
If your partner has cheated on you, it’s normal that you suffer from trust issues. But there are ways to recover and have a healthy relationship yet again. Here’s how…

Researchers suggest that it is often easier for the partner who was cheating to move on, but for the cheated, getting over the incident takes much longer. Having a partner cheat on you leaves you coping with emotions of worthlessness and issues of inadequacy.

Mumbai-based psychologist and relationship expert Dr Pavan Sonar says victims of cheating spouses often blame themselves for the infidelity.

'The first step is to ensure that you don’t blame yourself for your partner cheating. Women especially are predisposed to this response. They often feel like they drove their partners to commit adultery or that they weren’t satisfying them adequately,' he explains.

If this sounds like the voices in your head; stop. Right away. 'When a person cheats, it has more to do with their own personality traits and escapist nature than your role in the relationship. You are not to blame,' Sonar explains.

Take your time

Here’s step two.

According to Sonar, getting into a new relationship before you have dealt with your pending emotions will jeopardise your future with a partner.

'Forcing yourself to move on will only lead to resentment. Either you end up making your new partner pay for mistakes that your ex made or you find yourself cross questioning their every move because you think they will follow the same trajectory in the relationship,' he says.

Victims of cheating partners must be aware of their actions. If you find yourself being hateful towards people who haven’t directly harmed you, you are likely to be suppressing bitterness that finds its roots in the act.

Open up

'Try to be honest with your partner about how the infidelity made you feel vulnerable,' Sonar says. Chances are your partner will appreciate you sharing this and be sensitive to your feelings. Don’t, however, go overboard obsessing over it. That will drive your partner to believe that you don’t trust them.

Letting your wounds fester will also end up leaving you suspicious of those around you. Eventually, there is no guarantee that your partner will be loyal.

Learn and move on

If you are looking to avoid mistakes that made your previous relationship weak, try to find out what went wrong, says Sonar. For example, was communication a weak point? If so, you might want to work on that. Aspire for transparency, not checking up on the other.

'The difference,' he says, 'lies in the intention.' If the idea is to share your life with the other, then it can lead to a healthy bond. If you are using transparency as an excuse to check your partner’s messages and e-mails, you are unlikely to make it to the next anniversary.


Has your partner ever cheated you on? How did it make you feel? Share your experiences with us by leaving a comment below or via Facebook

Did you learn something new?

I was pregnant en he tryed to cheat on me with my house help but she refused and decided to leave, then i brought onother house help then ha did the same bt this round i was in the hospital being addmited coz my baby didnt survive i had a stillbirth i stayed with him in the hospital intill i was removed the baby then he went home, the following morning he told the house help what had happend to and then he asked her to sleep with him but she refused en ran away .wen i came back form the hospital she told me what happened. It pains me alot its now lyk 6mnth bt its still fresh inside my heart coz he had cheated on me several times before i called his ouncle en we tolked about it wich he was told to ask fr forgiveness i forgive him coz i didnt have eny other choice bt i have nt moved on the wounds are still fresh insede my heart i keep on remainding him whenenever we have a fight pliz help me to move on
my wife,cheated on me with a male friend who was married .I was always suspicious of their friendship and would question her severally but she would deny that its just platonic.He would invite her to their office parties and night outs.I found exchange of sexual Messages btwn the two,and at one time he even bought her sexy lingerie.I was bitter because some 2 months before the confrontation,i had funded her relocation to another country and just after she'd left her behavior to me changed.Seeming distant,uninterested and dismissive of everything i suggested.With enough evidence on hand and ready to end my marriage to her, i confronted her and thats when she came clean.She wept uncontrollably repenting begging for forgiveness.I have forgiven her,but sometimes i feel resentful towards her for emotional pain she made me undergo.What can i do to forget about what happened before, and forge ahead in this relationship

Hey Edd, so sorry about this. Unfortunately, you may not be able to forget about this or it will take time before this happens. It is important that you give yourself time, time to heal and time to rebuild trust in your relationship. It takes time, but time is a healer. Now that you have chosen to forgive her, you both have to commit to make the relationship work including rebuilding trust to what it was or even better. We do wish you all the best. 

I met this guy he was nice to me he care and I was happy so he said he was not married and the girl he wanted passed way, I believed him and moved in with him I came to that he is married BT they sepereted I didn't mind that cz I love him so it turns out that he had this girl before I moved in BT that girl went home to settle some issues I learnt that he call that girl everyday yesterday he came back from work and asked if she can call that girl that's he miss her things went really bad cz I have this temper that I can even kill someone when I get hurt he's reason for missing this girl its bcz I dnt help take a bath he want me to wash him, its really hurt me that he can call her when am there and says he miss her, I can't go cz nowhere to plus am not working bcz of the virus he know how much I love that's why he is doing pls help
Love Matters
Fri, 05/15/2020 - 08:42 pm

Hello Mary, thank you for getting in touch with us and we aresorry you are going through a hard time. From what you have bravely shared with us, it seems like he manipulated you into moving in with him and sharing a life with him despite the fact that he was previously involved with a woman that he lied to you that passed away. This alone is understandably frustrating as he took advantage of your trust and good heart in the name of being with you. Although it may be tempting to resort to violence to release your frustrations towards him, the best thing you can do is have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Communication is an important part of any relationship. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Explain how their actions are affecting you and the relationship. Try not to be confrontational because that would put them on the defensive and the resulting conversation would not be productive.  Be ready to listen to their fears and feelings and respond to them as well.

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