Moving from being a couple to being alone
(C) Love Matters | Rita Lino

Coping with a break up

Healing after a broken relationship is difficult. If you were in a long-term relationship or living with your partner, it could mean a change in your lifestyle.

The way you feel depends slightly on whether you’ve been ‘dumped’ or you did the dumping. People who have been through both say that being dumped is much worse – not surprisingly. It’s a blow to your self-esteem. But in either case, it’s not easy.

After you’ve ended your relationship, one big question is whether you can remain friends with your ex. There’s no clear answer to that question. It depends on you, your ex, and how the relationship ended. What worked for your best friend might not work for you, so trust your instincts.

Coping with a break up

Here are some tips on how to cope with your break up:

  • Think about what went wrong, but don't obsess over it. Don't fight your feelings – accept them, and let them out gently. It can be hard to stop thinking about it, but try to take your mind off it as much as you can. Remember that your end goal is to move on. 
  • Meet with friends and share your feelings. There’s no better cure for a broken heart than sharing your feelings with good friends. You can meet and pour your heart out.
  • Get rid of negative emotions. If you still feel angry with your ex a few months after breaking up, remind yourself that it’s in the past now and it's time to let go. Get rid of things that remind you of your partner – things like the gifts they gave you or cards they made. It’s sad, but it can help you move on.
  • Care for yourself. Eat well, sleep well, and take lots of exercise. Do things that make you feel better – like going for a walk in the park or getting together with your family. A little bit of tender loving care goes a long way in the healing process.
  • Get a new hobby. Try learning how to cook or play the piano. Find things to do to fill in spare time. Keeping your mind and body busy is an essential part of healing. You might also meet new people with similar interests when you join a group or club.
  • Be positive. It might sound unbelievable, but it's perfectly possible that you’ll find someone else who’ll love you again.
  • Don’t turn to drink or drugs. Stay away from alcohol and other non-prescription drugs. They’ll do you more harm than help you heal.
  • Watch out for signs of depression. If you think you’re falling into depression, let someone know. Get help. Contact helplines or counsellors. Below is a list that will help you.

Related: Falling Out Of Love

Amani Counselling Centre: 0722626590
Kenya Marriage Counselling: 0721743977
Oasis Counselling Center: 0733366614
Discovery Counselling Services: 0700270983/0721513438

Did you learn something new?

Comments
My boyfriend wants live sex, yet I feel unprotected whenever we do it ad I told him abt it ad he said that he can't use acondom to someone he Loves.
Do you feel unsafe with regard to unplanned pregnancies or Sexually Transmitted Infections? You could begin by getting tested for HIV together and then consider other options for birth control. Your partner needs to know however that you can only enjoy sex if you are not anxious or feeling unsafe during intercourse and he has a role to play in this which includes putting on a condom. Check out the following article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex
Anonymous
Tue, 08/29/2017 - 09:29 pm
Am interested because my husband dumped with two kids n went for an older waman, it hurts me so much coz I don't have a job n my first born was in school n for now i can't afford to cater for the kids bt my husband doesn't even surpot us n I think am getting depression
Hello, We are so sorry about this. Break up are never easy, you may need to consider seeking support from the children's office which can compel him to pay child support. Take time and visit the children's office nearest to and they will be able to provide you with support.
Hi Liz, He can be with both of you at the same time. He needs to decide who he wants to be with. You need to let him know this, it is just a matter of time one of you will be hurt. Have him make that decision. You also need to think about whether this is what you want and also make a decision.
Anonymous
Wed, 11/22/2017 - 04:59 pm
Am in love with this one man I love him so much but our relationship is always having up and down when we sit and talk nothing changes I feel av tried enough now and tired and I want to walk away and be alone but I love him soo much av tried my best to forget about him but its so hard for me .. Plz help
Hi, So sorry about this. You need to think about the kind of person you want for a partner now and in the future. Then think about whether your current partner represents what you want. If he is not willing to change and the things you wish for him to change are important to the relationship then you may have to consider a break up. Lastly, you really can't forget him, not now atleast but if you decide the right thing to do is to break up the article above can help as you take steps to move on. We wish you well.
Am Erik
Sat, 02/17/2018 - 01:14 pm
in a relationship whereby a lady tells you lies and when you realized she can't apologized eg she Text somebody you don't trust and you found and cheats that he is not him what do you do?
LM-Ann
Wed, 02/21/2018 - 09:22 pm
Hi Erick, there is no way to know for sure if your partner is cheating on you. The best thing you can do is try to communicate with your partner. Be honest with them about you have observed, your suspicions and your feelings along with your fears. I know this can be an uncomfortable conversation to bring up but be honest tell them why you suspect something is wrong and not just accuse them a cheater. Generally if we hold on to our thoughts you might take things the wrong way believe something without knowing if it is real or not.
What can I do ?I,have,aa girlfriend whom we have a child with but she continues to cheat on me ,when I decide to leave the relationship to mo e on she entice me and we het back together ,what can I do to het over her coz I think she is just wasting my time

Hey Oscar, so sorry about this. At times a relationship won't work and it's important to recognize when this is happening. It appears your partner could be unwilling to change and if this is the case it maybe time to break up and move on. You need to be clear about what you have observed in the relationship. Let her know that for these reasons, you are choosing to break up with her. Be honest but also be firm and clear. You however don't have to be cruel. If this is decision you have made stand by it so that you don't send the wrong message. Check out the following article for ore tips;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-to-break-up

Hey Zey, break ups are tough and often it takes time before one is ready to get into a new relationship. One way to tell you are ready is when you can think about the break up or even your ex without having negative feelings. It is important to take time and allow yourself to heal, getting into a new relationship too soon may end up hurting you and the other person. Allow yourself time to heal before you get out there to try and meet someone new. We do wish you well.

Anonymous
Tue, 06/12/2018 - 02:19 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 months ago and I am still getting over him. But I just met someone else who seems interested in interested in me. Is it too soon to want ti get into another relationship now?

Hey, the more important question is whether you feel ready to get into a new relationship. Break ups can be tough depending on how the break up happened, the reasons for the break up and whether one still has feelings for their ex. These reasons may lead to an extended healing time. It is important you take sometime and think about whether you have moved on from this relationship. Can you think about your ex without having negative feelings? Moving into a new relationship before healing may lead you to carrying issues from the past into the new relationship which may make your new relationship to have problems. 

Hey Gerald, people who broke up can get back together if they both want to get back together and if none of them has moved on into another new relationship. It maybe important to first begin by addressing the reason that led you to break up in the first place. However, you also need to be open to the fact that getting back together may not be the right thing to do. Have an honest and open conversation and together make an informed choice as to whether to get back together or not. Wish you well.

I broke up with my partner about three months ago. I have been following your advice and trying to move on but I am unable to move on without him. What can I do to get him back?

Hi Edith, break ups are tough especially when one is still inlove. It's however important to remember the reason you broke up in the first place. Before you think about getting back together, have you addressed the reasons that made you break up? Take sometime and think about whether getting back with your ex is a good choice. If you do choose to get back with him, reach to see if he is interested. Remember, he may not be interested or he may have already moved on. Check out this article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-can-i-get-back-my-ex

merline
Mon, 11/12/2018 - 06:11 pm
we meet with this guy at a work place where we exchanged no and we started interacting we become good friends and before waating time she asked me for a date out there he proposed that he wanted me to be his girlfried and it went all good we have been dating like for three months now bt resently he has just changed its seems like he dont want anything to do with me coz wherever i call he hangup please help

Hey Merline, sorry about this. It is challenging to tell what could have led to this since he is not talking to you. While dating a colleague at the work place is completely normal, it can be challenging to make the relationship work. All you maybe able to do now is to give him some space before trying to reach out again. If he completely ignores your calls, you will have to also move on as you cannot force him to talk to you if he is unwilling to do this. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/meeting-someone/dating-a-colleague-dos-and-donts

Hi Dr Love Matters is it a recommended to be friends with your ex? My ex keeps texting me and saying we dont have to enemies just because we broke up He wants us to be friends???

Hey Kate, you need to think about what the intention of being friends is. This is important because you may slip back into a romantic relationship and this may make it challenging for you to move on especially if you already know you don’t want to be together in a relationship. Take you time before getting back to being friends, if you are uncomfortable with this let him know. Have a look at the following article for additional information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/dealing-with-your-ex

My fiance got another girl pregnant and here I was thinking we were saving ourselves for marriage. I don't know how to start with all this!!!

Hey Maria, so sorry about this. Your fiancé broke your relationship rules and you now have to think about how you wish to proceed. Have you talked with him about this and how he wants to proceed? This is a decision that is entirely your own, take time and think about what you want moving forward, remember this is something that you may have to accept will be part of your relationship should you choose to keep the relationship and if he also wants to. Give yourself sometime to think and make a decision that will make you happy.

Nemwel
Tue, 03/19/2019 - 12:04 am
I broke up with my gf and she Is so affected till now two months ago she has never removed me from her blacklist and I fail to understand if she has moved on... why then keep me in blacklist yet I I never bothe r disturbing

Hey Nemwel, everybody has their own process of moving on including how much time it takes them. There are a few reasons that can make moving on difficult including the reasons for the break up, if a person was still in-love at the time they were breaking among others. After breaking up some do not wish to keep in communication with their ex. Is there a reason you need to communicate with her at this point? You will need to respect her choice if she doesn't want to talk to you. https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/dealing-with-your-ex

Hi,I have been dating for 4yrs and 6months within those years he cheated,then I forgave him because of the love I have for him.3yrs gone he is still cheating on me wit a different girl.I asked him but he denied getting to the 4years and 6months his attitude changed entirely found out that he is cheating pls wat should I do,he isn't aware DAT I know,should I tell him or just break up.

Hi Presh, if you have chosen to break up with him, let him know what has led to this decision. Be clear about your decision and firm, you don't have to be cruel toward him just be honest and firm. Have a look at the following articles for more tips;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-to-break-up

Hi Collins, it is important to carefully think about the relationship you want to have with your ex and whether indeed it is necessary. This is because it is easy to slip back into a romantic relationship which will in turn make it difficult for you to move on and to get into a fulfilling relationship. If you don’t wish to be friends with her, let her know. Be sure to be clear and firm. Check out this article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/dealing-with-your-ex

Carrie
Mon, 04/22/2019 - 02:49 pm
I have just learnt my boyfriend for the last 8 months is engaged and he planing a wedding. I feel so used by this man

So sorry about this Carrie. It appears he has chosen someone else and all you can do now is to move on as well.This can be challenging especially if you are still inlove with him but if he is planning a wedding with another person it means he has moved on or he is moving on. Take sometime to heal from this, time is a healer. Eventually you will feel better you may even be ready to get into a new relationship. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Sharon
Wed, 04/24/2019 - 11:10 am
I actually meet a guy quite mature but single from a failed marriage so we hooked up and starting talking he wants me to move in with him but I wasn’t ready for the move.. we had issues from that, quarreled and made up.. finally we broke and right now I miss me like I wanna go back but he is quite pridefully and would actually use it against me.. I wanna move on but I still think about him.. need advice

Hi Sharon, it is normal to feel this way after a break up. You however need to decide what you want moving forward. You need to think about whether the reasons that made you break up can be resolved. If the issues can be resolved, you still love him and want to be with him, you can consider reaching out to him to see if he is interested in getting back with you. It is important to know that he may not be interested in getting back together with you and if this is the case you will have to respect his choice. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-can-i-get-back-my-ex

Dear Grace, do you want to get back with your ex? This is the important question, think about what led to the break up in the first place, whether the issues have been resolves or can be resolved. Think about these things and then make a decision on whether to get back together with your partner or not. Have a look at the following article for additional information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-can-i-get-back-my-ex

Hey Joseph, is this what you want? You need to be clear about the break and what your relationship will be moving forward. How you relate after a break can determine if one is able to move on and if they will be able to get into another relationship. You need to decide how you want to relate with her moving forward and then communicate this to her. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/dealing-with-your-ex

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