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(C) Love Matters | Rita Lino

Maintaining happy relationships

Now that you’re settled with your partner, it might be time to start talking more openly about what you like or dislike in the bedroom.

We all want to have a happy and pleasurable sex life and talking about it will help make it happen. But where to start?

Below we lay out three common concerns you may have. We don’t have all the answers, but we’ll try to give you some advice to get you started!

Why do I need to talk about sex with my partner?
Your partner is not a mind-reader and won’t know if you’re happy or unhappy unless you tell them! That also applies to lovemaking.

Talking about sex makes me feel uncomfortable!
Yes, talking about sex can feel awkward at first. Your partner probably feels awkward about it, too. So don’t worry!

‘I’m really excited about making love to you, but I’m a bit nervous. Are you nervous too?’

While kissing or being intimate, you can already mention how much you’re looking forward to making love to them. Encourage your partner to open up too.

The more you talk about sex, the more you get used to it, and the easier it becomes.

Will my partner think less of me or think that I have slept with a lot of people or if I talk about what pleases me?
Some cultures look down on women discussing with their partners the sexual side of their relationships. So introduce the topic slowly and gently.

You could even show them this website!

‘I found this website Love Matters which talks all about love and sex, and I thought we could look at it together to get some fun ideas for when we make love!’

Once you have looked at the website, perhaps you will both feel more confident to talk about things you would like to do with each other.

If your partner doesn’t like you sharing what makes you feel good, or doesn’t want to talk about sex at all, then maybe they’re just not the right person for you.

Sex in your married life

As the years pass by in your marriage, your sex life can get monotonous. Sex might seem like a routine. Believe it or not, sex can just get plain boring!

Your bodies change with time and age. You perhaps don’t find yourself and your partner as desirable and sexy as you did when you first met. And with that, sex isn’t as exciting anymore. You might also feel like you know each other’s bodies like the back of your hand. You might feel like there’s nothing left to explore. You’ve done whatever needs to be done to turn each other on hundreds of times. What next?

A word of reassurance: you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves scurrying for answers to the same question. Nobody wants a stale sex life, right? So here are some tips to spice up your married sex life.

  • Think sex and think sexy.
    Sex is still an important part of your relationship, even when you’ve been together for years, and life is full of other concerns.
     
  • Talk about your sexual desires
    Now that after years of marriage you are comfortable with each other, communicate with each other about the different ideas you have about sex. Basically, let each other know what you expect in your sex life.
     
  • Share responsibility for adding romance to your marriage.
    Don’t blame each other for a boring sex life. See what you can do to make it better.
     
  • Get back in shape.
    Being in shape is good for your health as well as your sex life. If you think your body needs some toning, go running or hit the gym. Work out together. Feel attractive and you will look attractive to your partner.
     
  • Plan date nights.
    It doesn’t need to involve anything elaborate. Just find ways to spend time with each other, minus the kids. It could be dinner at a restaurant, a walk on the beach, a movie – whatever suits you.
     
  • Set the mood for romance.
    Take the effort to try something different in your bedroom. If you’ve done the erotic scents and baths, try sex toys. A panty vibrator or a playful condom could turn the heat up, or how about an oil massage with a happy ending?
     
  • Play games with each other.
    Write down your sexual fantasies and pool them together into a hat. Pull one out each week and follow the instructions. This will kill the predictability in your sex life. (But remember that fantasies are not always something you – or your partner – would like to act out in real life. Make it a rule that you will never pressure your partner into doing something they don’t feel comfortable with.)
     
  • Express your intimacy.
    Touch your partner in different ways throughout the day – it doesn’t have to be sexual, just intimate. Write sexy, suggestive messages via emails, chat, or SMS. Get them thinking about sex even when you’re not having it.

To read more on the topic, check out our tips for sex in a long-term relationship and steamy sex in long-term love.

Sometimes your sex life can suffer because of a sexual dysfunction – that means anything that causes you difficulty having or enjoying sex. Common dysfunctions are trouble getting an erection for men, and pain during sex for women.

There can be various different causes, both physical and psychological. But don’t just put up with it – get medical help. Sexual dysfunctions affect lots of people and most are curable, so please seek professional help. Think of all the positive things it will add to your life once the problem is solved!

 

 

Comments
Hi Mirie, Both men and women are heart broken when a relationship fails to work. Both and women can overcome the pain and hurt of a failed relationship and go on to start a new and fulfilling relationship. Check this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/heartbreak-it-does-get-better
Hey Monique, It is normal to have challenges or problems in a relationship from time to time. How you choose to address those problems is what makes the difference. A lack of open and honest communication may lead to many problems in a relationship. Working towards open and honest communication maybe a good place to start and may solve many relationship problems. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems
Hi Asha, One of the major reasons for pain during sex is when you have dry sex, which means at the time of penetration your vagina may not be adequately lubricated. Spending more time in foreplay may help. Another reason maybe the position during sex, changing the position where you have more control can help and lastly, it could be an infection in the vagina. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/making-love/sex-problems-how-to-overcome-them/painful-sex-time-to-listen-up
Hae , am in a rlationshp n we at planning to get married my boyfrd always demand for sex bt I told him to chill until marriage n he is OK with dat ,the only thing we always do is casssing, bt the problem is I have no feelings for him coz even when he do caress me I feel nothing
Shireen, You have agreed not to have sex and perhaps for this reason you hold back because you don't intent to have sex or go all the way. On the other hand maybe just talking about what will feel good for you, telling him what to do and how to do it will help to get you to feel like you want to. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/making-love/virginity/outercourse-sex-without-penetration
What if ur partner is not willing to discuss the problems ur facing together he even tells that's where he was brought up experiencing the same problems what should someone do
Felly, Your partner needs to know the importance of communication in a relationship. Without communication partners begin to grow apart and before long there may not be a relationship. Maybe you need to let him know what this is doing to you and to the relationship. Find a good time and share your expectations in him as a partner and have him share his expectations also, so that together you can agree on how to proceed. Check out this article on communication;- http://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner
My partner is no longer interested in sex. Everytime he visits because he works in another town he does not even touch me, most of the time he is quiet he doesn't even touch me. Does he still love or he has become uninterested?

Hey Sharon, I can't tell if he loves you, it is important that you talk to him about this to find out what could be going on. On the other hand, there are number of reasons that can lead to a reduced sex drive or low libido. Some of the reasons include psychological factors, the body not producing enough of the hormone testosterone, and stress, depression and relationship problems which can also play a factor when it comes to low desire. The first step to finding a solution is getting to know what is causing the low libido, which will determine the solution to be taken. Find a good time and talk to your partner about to help find out what is causing this. Check out this article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/sex-problems-how-to-overcome-them/difficulties-with-sex-men

Hi Jennette, talking about sex will not lead you to having sex but it will help you plan about when and if to have sex including prevention of unplanned pregnancies and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). Try focus your conversation with your partner and make it clear that you do not wish to have sex at this point of the relationship. 

I think my husband is unhappy in our marriage. He talks very little this days and we are having very little sex which to me points to some underlying problem. I have tried to talk to him to find out what could be the problem with no success. We use to be a fun loving couple is there anything I can do as a woman to make this relatio ship better?

Hey Everlyne, all relationships will have problems from time to time and it’s how the partners choose to address such problems when they arise that makes the difference. Communication is very essential for any relationship, open and honest communication will help to address issues without hurting each other. It is important to choose an appropriate time to have such a conversation, if the timing is not ideal your partner may not be open to having the conversation. Also, how one chooses to approach the issues may encourage their partner or push them further away. I suggest you find a good time to bring this conversation up again, and that you also approach it from a place of concern and not necessary blaming them about the status of the relationship. This way you will not only get to know what could be happening but you can also support your partner to deal with the issues that could have led to this. We wish you well. Check out the following articles for additional tips;-

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems

 

I no longer feel love for my husband I dont know why I just dont attracted to him anymore. it is a real challenge to have sex with him. Help me!

Hey Pascal, all relationships will experience challenges like your relationship is experiencing right now. It is important to begin by thinking about what could have led to this. One of the reason could be poor or a lack of communication which has caused you and your partner to grow apart and has also affected your sex life. You and your partner need to have a conversation to find the underlying issues that may have led to this, as you find your way back to open and honest communication. Check out the following article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems

Hello Joanne, so sorry about this. Trust is essential for any relationship. It is important that you and your partner talk about what could be going on, get to know where the distrust is coming from so you can address the issues. Find a good to have this conversation as you reassure your partner of your commitment to the relationship. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems

My husband and I are always fighting we disagree on the simplest and tinniest things. This is really frustrating me. There are more times I am sad in this relationship than the times I am happy. Should I leave?

Hello Rita, so sorry about this. I am not able to tell you to either leave or stay, however, frequent fights in a relationship are a sign of deep seated dissatisfaction in the relationship. It is important for you and your husband to have an honest conversation about the underlying cause of the frequent fights. This will be an important step toward finding a lasting solution to issues. Have a look at the following articles for additional information;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/fighting-dos-and-donts

hello Pesh, so sorry about this. What exactly has made you unhappy in you marriage? Have you talked about this with your partner? It is important that you talk with your partner about what is going on in your relationship, communication that is open and honest can help address the issues and make your relationship better. Have a look at the following article for more information;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/marriage/married-life/maintaining-happy-relationships

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems

 

Hey Jenipher, you could begin by telling the person how you feel. Spending time with the person will also help you to get to know how to show the love. Communication is important toward helping you to get to know what your partner's needs are and what they want in a relationship. Have a look at the following article for additional information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner

Hi, this can greatly hurt a relationship. Sometimes a relationship can recover while in some cases this may mean the end of the relationship. It depends with whether the partners are willing to make it work. The person who cheated should be willing to take responsibility, be remorseful and commit to their relationship, while the cheated should be willing to forgive and work on trusting their partner again. Have a look at the following article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/tips-to-recover-from-cheating-in-marriage

Hello Abundance, intimacy is an important part of a relationship, however it is only one part of the relationship. Sex only cannot sustain a relationship but a lack of sex or physical intimacy can kill a relationship. There are other things that people look for in a relationship like friendship, companionship, love aside from sex. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/how-important-is-sex-in-a-relationship

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